Roderich's Odd Day
by The Cat With the Green Scarf
Summary: Roderich has a very odd day indeed. Co-written with a friend; pure crack that has absolutely nothing to do with History. Please don't read if you have an adversion to crack, whales, rampant drug abuse and everyone/Liechtenstein. You have been warned.


Please don't read this if you have heart problems or anything of the like. Your head _may_ explode from random. Co-written with my amazing friend Shady. She's the one who wrote all the good bits, hahahaaaaaaa orz

And don't ask about anything in this. Please. You wouldn't understand.

Disclaimer: I don't own Hetalia. The only thing I _do_ own is Janice the Moose. But I don't want Janice the Moose. Please, take her!! D;

Well, here we go…

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It was a relatively normal day for Roderich Edelstein, despite the fact that he was rather pissed. He was rather pissed not because Gilbert had gotten Vash's little sister pregnant on his piano (whilst he was playing it, might I add), but because his request to join the Austrian equivalent of the Ku Klux Klan had been declined. This clan, named the Flaming Goldfish Belt Clan, was devoted to the lynching of innocent wursts.

Walking across a random field, he spotted a tepee. Puzzledly, because that is a word, he wandered over to it. As he approached, he noticed a sign on the flap of the tepee that said "This tepee belongs to Ludwig. Keep away unless you are the wurst delivery man." Roderich touched the flap and said, "WURST DELIVERY. OPEN UP."

Ludwig immediately burst out of his tepee and ravaged Roderich. When he was finished he stood up, completely nude, and said, "YOU'RE NOT THE WURST DELIVERY MAN!! HOW DARE YOU! I'M GOING TO ANNEX YOU, YOU EVIL EVIL MAN!" His rage was so rage-ish that it made Feliciano pause in his eating of pasta back inside the tepee and cry like an injured moose.

Attracted by this call was a certain moose named Janice. She wandered aimlessly over to the tepee yelling about toothpaste and FUCKING CROISSANTS. At the sight of a naked Ludwig, she immediately turned herself into a tree and raped him. Roderich watched with mild interest for some time, then entered the tepee to behold Italy, the attraction of all this chaos. He left with his face covered in tagliatelle.

Roderich, after hearing the distant sound of Ludwig screaming, fleeing and running into a slide, decided to take his leave. He returned to his house to find a neat row of chocolate bourbons lined up outside. For a second he was dumbfounded, and then he whipped out his pink sparkly cellphone with an Edward Cullen wallpaper and texted Gilbert.

"u n00b y did u put biccies on mi window? silly prussia"

Prussia replied by saying "i aint no n00b, fool! SILENCE, I KILL U." Roderich sighed as his day became less normal as ever. Just then, Ludwig caused a slight diversion by streaking from his tepee and running into a slide, yelling "BILLIARD!" Roderich turned and walked away.

On his new random voyage to the land of nowhere, Roderich encountered Ivan, who was moshing to emo German music. Arthur painted his picture whilst wearing a rather elaborate pirate outfit from his days of youth, and Alfred was sitting by himself, playing Cowboys, Indians and Zombies with his toes. Yao was in a tree reading fanfiction about Shinatty-chan and its tragic affair with Hello Kitty. He was weeping tears of maple syrup.

As Roderich approached, Ivan stopped moshing and threw himself at Roderich, whirling and screaming and brandishing a chair leg. Roderich face palmed. Suddenly, something fell from the sky, and the group stared at it. It was none other than Matthew, who had been attracted by the smell of maple syrup, evaporated, and condensed in a spot some fifty feet above their heads.

Matthew then proceeded to hurl himself at Yao, who was still weeping in the tree. He drank the tears of maple syrup from Yao's eyes and then tipped a box of strawberry petrol-flavoured pocky down his shirt and ran away screaming. Yao watched him with mild disinterest for a minute before picking up a stick of the pocky and eating it.

"Not bad," he said to himself, and then he disintegrated.

Just for the fun of disintegration, Alfred tried to feed a stick of pocky to one of his cowboys. The indignant cowboy firmly kept his mouth closed. This may have been because he was a toe, though, and didn't, in fact, have a mouth... Suddenly, Ludwig streaked out of nowhere, being chased by a rabid crumple-horned snorcack that no one thought existed. The now lessened group watched for a moment, and then went back to what they were doing. For Alfred, this entailed trying very hard to spontaneously combust.

As Roderich walked on, he encountered Antonio and Lovino. Lovino was horrified to see the tagliatelle still plastered over Roderich's face and immediately ordered Antonio to lick it off. Antonio did so with pleasure. Roderich enjoyed it because he was, in fact, secretly in love with the Spanish man, and he decided this was the right moment to confess his undying love.

"I've loved you for gazillions of years and I know, I haven't been alive that long but that just shows how much I love you," he burbled.

Antonio then decided at that moment that he was in love with Roderich too. They made love beneath an Arabic whale.

The Arabic whale was listening to Time Lapse at the time and thinking about how beautiful he would look with a bowl of petunias on his head. The odd couple distracted him from this moment of beauty, and he stared down at them with extreme annoyance. But then Arthur came along and kissed him on the blubbery cheek, causing the whale to quiver and blush in a very whaley way. Arthur then skipped off singing Fairytale by Alexander Rybak at the top of his voice, much to Alfred's interest. Was this whale a fairytale? And was Arthur truly in love with it? This notion caused Alfred to spontaneously combust again.

Arthur, who had seen Alfred spontaneously combust, suddenly fell to his knees and cried hysterically at the loss of his only brother/son/whatever the fuck he was. Then Alexander Rybak appeared out of nowhere and hit Arthur with his sister's leek to punish him for butchering his song. He took Arthur's fuzzy socks and disappeared into the ether to play poker with France and Julius Caesar. Meanwhile, as Arthur wept, the Arabic whale was becoming more and more conscious of the happy couple beneath him. Lovino was very jealous and was struggling to keep himself from joining in.

Suddenly, Twink (Edward Cullen) appeared out of nowhere, wielding a broom, and screamed "YOU MUST ALL BECOME ONE WITH MOTHER RUSSIA." He then hit himself over the head with his broom and DIED. Yes, Edward Cullen died.

Alfred was so distressed by the death of his favourite book character and best friend that he un-combusted and wept. This pleased Arthur very much, but the sight of a weeping Alfred was too hilarious for him to bear and he ESPLODED into a gazillion pieces which Matthew then stole and sold to the fan girls.

The fan girls fan girled, and Matthew was very happy. Until Kiku came along and spoiled everything. He crept up behind Matthew, grabbed him and dragged him off to see Ludwig, pressing an unusually smelly wurst to Matthew's throat.

Matthew kicked and screamed but no one noticed because...well. Because he was Matthew. The fan girls were far too busy putting Arthur back together, anyway, and we all know Arthur has more fan girls than Matthew because he has pretty eyebrows and big hands. And you know what that means. Yes, big gloves. So Matthew was taken to Ludwig's evil lair of doom, which was his tepee, where dramatic (German) music was ALWAYS playing.

Ludwig, surprised and amused by this sudden apparition, quickly pulled Janice out of his cupboard, then stripped Matthew. Janice turned into a tree, and you can guess the rest. Ludwig watched while screaming 'GIMME INFORMATION' Nobody knew what sort.

Poor Matthew was distraught by what the tree was doing to him but had no idea what Ludwig wanted so he couldn't do anything to stop it. He was preparing himself to give up completely when France burst in, threw a cardboard box full of Scottish rosaries and purple jellybeans at Ludwig, and saved his life. Matthew wept freely with relief.

Francis then exploded over Matthew's cuteness, and showered him with roses. Even though he'd exploded. Then along came the fan girls, after finishing with Arthur, and put Francis back together. Matthew ran off to eat his roses in peace, with mushrooms.

Francis briefly entertained the idea of stalking Matthew with a leek but then decided against it in favour of singing very loud French Death Metal songs until Seychelles suddenly appeared out of nowhere crying about how her tuna fish had just died. Francis informed her that this may be because fish need water. Seychelles shrugged and did the Macarena whilst Francis carried on singing.

Suddenly, along came Zac Efron and KILLED THEM ALL. Except Seychelles and Francis, because they were hiding in a bush listening to Oomph! and swaying.

Then Efron pulled off his face revealing that he was, indeed, none other than BERWALD OXENSTIERNA. He then proceeded to sing High School Musical songs with Finland until Francis threw a banana at him.

The banana turned mysteriously into a potato, and Albus Dumbledore appeared from nowhere because it was so cliché. When he realized that it actually wasn't, he ate the evidence, including the potato and Zac Efron's head, and disappeared.

Finland automatically assumed that Dumbledore had gone on one of his frequent walks around a tree and merely shrugged.

Meanwhile, Roderich, Antonio, Lovino and the Arabic whale were having problems of their own. Antonio was somehow a reincarnation of Lovino's dog that Ronald McDonald had killed. Lovino wanted to move to Russia, but Antonio didn't want to go yet, and Roderich was dating Ronald McDonald and ate his sorrows away at several fast food eating establishments. Oh woe betide.

Ronald McDonald was visiting some very scared kids in hospitaland when Roderich decided to go and see him with some roses and an O-Zone album. Because O-Zone are awesome. Ronnie was not too happy about this, and broke up with Roderich by text, even though he was right there in the hospital, because he wanted to dump him really horribly. Roderich started crying and went to express his anguish with his piano, but someone had got there first. Gilbert was now making Hungary pregnant on it. Roderich roared with annoyance and upset and turned into a large bat. He flew away and found another piano, which he then destroyed.

Gilbert grinned at Roderich as he destroyed the piano, and then threw Hungary into a bin. He was just making her pregnant to piss Roddy off, because that was his job, like it was Francis' job to rape people and Alfred's job to be retarded. Roderich was now CRYING WITH TEARS (sue) because he had now messed up with Antonio, America's alien, Ronnie AND some random person's piano. Then suddenly Liechtenstein burst into the room and Roderich spontaneously fell in love with her because she was so adorable. Then he cried again because it was forbidden for him to be with her. Vash would kill him.

But, he thought, if I told Vash I wanted to help her raise her baby because Gilbert was no0b, maybe he wouldn't be too bad...

FAIL.

Vash was worse than usual because Gilbert had been trying to make him pregnant before realizing he wasn't a girl, so he leapt at Roderich and attacked him with a chair. Then Alfred walked past, saw the chair, and sat in it because his life goal was to sit in every single chair in the world.

"Vash," Roderich ventured nervously, averting his eyes to stare at the triumphant Alfred in the chair, "I need to ask something of you..."

He was cut short, however, when Liechtenstein once again burst into the room and he fell in love with her all over again.

"Vash, I'm so in love with your sister and I want to be with her!" he blurted suddenly. He grabbed Liechtenstein and pulled her close. She nodded and 'moo'ed in agreement, and started nibbling his cravat.

Vash rolled his eyes and left the room, muttering something about cheese and cravats. Roderich and Liechtenstein were quite content with nibbling on various articles of clothing. Then Alfred interrupted their contentment by leaping up from this chair, yelling, "The Soviet Union will return. YOU MUST ALL BECOME ONE WITH MOTHER RUSSIA!!!" He then went into hysterics and ran, screaming, from the room.

Roderich blinked at Alfred, wondering what kind of drugs he had been taking. This train of thought was interrupted when Gilbert swooped in and flying-glomp-tackled both of them. Liechtenstein was now in the middle of a Prustria sandwich. Her fan girlish dreams were now fulfilled and she could die happy. Luckily, though, she did not die, because Alfred ran back into the room, brandishing Ivan's pipe and screaming with a very angry Belarus running after him.

The pipe mysteriously turned into a chair leg with a very sharp point, and Arthur started chasing Alfred with a broken Morris dancing stick because that is very English. Roderich thought about how normal his day had been before all this happened... He longed for normality, but that might mean giving up his lovely Liechtenstein, so he just threw himself into the sandwich with even more enthusiasm than before.

Liechtenstein, however, was a girl of fickle temperament, and decided she didn't want to be in the sandwich anymore, so she signalled for Feliciano to stop thrusting and making a mess on the board and rescue her from the clutches of a desperate Austrian. He grabbed her, but Prussia held on so he could come along for the ride. Feliciano ended up simply gagging him with a Kinder Egg so he didn't have to hear him talk about how awesome he was.

Then everybody was happy because no one could hear Prussia talking. They had a party and invited the inventor of the Kinder Egg, who proceeded to get very drunk and try to make Liechtenstein pregnant. However, she already was pregnant so he went home unhappy.

Anyway, back to our very angsty protagonist. Roderich was sitting at home listening to emo piano music and wondering why everyone he loved left him, when all of a sudden he felt a massive hand on his shoulder. He turned around to behold none other than Russia, clad in a full body, skin tight Lycra suit and pretending to be Wolverine.

"I CAME TO SEE YOU TODAY, DA." He yelled over the sound of piano music.

Roderich screamed and started crying with tears, sue! Russia, confused by the screaming, tears (sue) and crazy, emo piano music, ripped off his Lycra suit to reveal that he was actually... Ronald McDonald. "RONNY!!!" yelled Roddy, flinging his arms around the crazy clown. He was a bit over-enthusiastic, and ended up strangling Ronald. He fell to the floor, dead as a French fry. Meanwhile, somewhere in the ether, Francis shuddered. "I feel a disturbance in the force..." The fan girl he was currently entertaining tried to grab his attention back by turning into a large salmon and performing the salmon dance. Francis' attention was successfully grabbed, as he has a secret salmon fetish.

Meanwhile, the real Russia was having cybersex with America on Bebo and uploading pictures of himself to entertain his fan girls. Suddenly, at the time that Ronald McDonald died, Alfred also felt a disturbance in the force and pointed at his body, yelling, "FREEDOM FRIES NOT FRENCH FRIES. YOU'VE BETRAYED ME, MY LOVE." and cried with tears...Sue...Suddenly, Liechtenstein burst through the door because she does that a lot, and Alfred fell in love with her and decided he didn't want to virtually sex Ivan anymore because now he had a little girl that he could pedo over right in front of him. He decided to change his name to Humbert Humbert and spoke with an English accent, insisting on calling Liechtenstein Lolita all the time. He felt so cool.

Liechtenstein (or Lolita) also felt cool because of her new name. She professed her undying love for Humbert Humbert, not knowing who he actually was, and proceeded to start singing Pencil Full of Lead, which made HH very happy indeed. Francis, after the French/Freedom fries incident, was still being entertained by the salmon, but wanted more. He picked the salmon up by its tail and started swinging it around singing All Fall Down at the top of his voice. The salmon was overjoyed.

Sitting at home listening to all of the confused nations singing was Finland. He was on his porch in a rocking chair, cradling a rifle and a nursing a bottle of beer while Sweden sat next to him, making love to his tonic and gin. Suddenly Sealand popped out of nowhere with their dog and started screaming blue murder about how Francis was doing indecent things to a salmon. Sweden was so furious that his adopted son had been corrupted that he threw his tonic and gin at the ceiling of the porch. There were no things to a salmon. Sweden was so furious that his adopted son had been corrupted that he threw his tonic and gin at the ceiling of the porch. There were no things to a salmon. Sweden was so furious that his adopted son had been corrupted that he threw his tonic and gin at the ceiling of the porch. There were no things to a salmon. Sweden was so furious that his adopted son had been corrupted that he threw his tonic and gin at the ceiling of the porch. There were no survivors. indecent things to a salmon. Sweden was so furious that his adopted son had been corrupted that he threw his tonic and gin at the ceiling of the porch. There were no survivors.

Arthur, sensing a disturbance in the force, cried "IT'S GIN AND TONIC, NOT TONIC AND GIN." Everyone was a bit shocked. At least, until Vash, unhappy with his little sister's affair with America, attached himself to Alfred's wall with his belt and refused to come down until the affair was stopped. Alfred and Liechtenstein claimed to be deeply in love with one another, so Alfred bought a new, Vash-free house. Vash couldn't come down because he said he wouldn't until the affair was stopped, and so was left up there for all eternity.

In their new house, Alfred and Lili got caught up in the throes of passion and he put his Florida into her Vaduz, thus making her pregnant. Even though she was already pregnant with Gilbert's child. Lili, unable to handle the extreme awesome of two awesome children in her poor tiny womb, vomited rainbows and kittens which Berwald immediately came and danced in, because he is gay and that is a very gay thing to do. Alfred watched this whole display while lol'ing internally and munching on a random shoe he found under his bed. Ivan suddenly burst forth from the wardrobe screaming "I WANNA BE A DISCO BOY!! I WANNA DANCE WITH YOU, I WANNA HOLD YOU TIGHT, I WANNA MAKE YOU MINE TONIGHT!!" This surprised Alfred, Berwald, Lili and her two awesome children so much that they didn't notice when Ludwig streaked from his tepee saying things about Deutschland, and how God kissed Earth once, and that is where Germany is now. Nor did they notice when Roderich swooped down from the sky crying "EEEAAAGGGLLLEEE," and face-planted on the other side of the fence that they were all standing next to.

Lili went to tend to Roderich's wounds, because she is nice like that. Alfred got all emotional because he assumed that Ivan was singing about him and reminisced about the good ol' days during the Cold War when they were convinced that they might just go "BOOM!!" very randomly because that is very random. Ivan then whacked Alfred with his pipe and told him that no, silly, he was singing about Lili, because everyone is in love with her nowadays. Suddenly Vash crashed through the ceiling, closely followed by Alfred's wall which was still attacked to his belt, and started ranting about Catholic llamas chasing him. The llamas being Catholic, they randomly realized that Sealand existed, in the form of a little boy, so instantly forgot about Vash and went to molest Sealand. Sweden was not happy about this corruption of his 'little boy' and so immediately ate the llamas, hooves and all. Then some dwarfs (yes, that is the plural of dwarf. I should know. I am one.) came along and started singing about mines and gold and all that jazz. Then Paolo Nutini sat on them.

Meanwhile, Arthur was flailing in his kitchen as a pie cooked pretending to be Mrs Lovett. Secretly he wanted Francis to be his Sweeney Todd, but Arthur is a tsundere and it says in the tsundere code that he must never admit what he really wanted, so he just watched longingly as Francis wrote his phone number on his window with black lipstick that he stole from Belarus. Belarus was angry with him because she needed the lipstick as she was secretly a Goth, but became too preoccupied with randomly turning into an octopus and singing about vegetable juice. Happy times.

Then a narwhal appeared out of nowhere and Arthur screamed and ran away because, as a child, he had been taking a walk in the forest and found mushrooms spelling out the words "STAY AWAY FROM NARWHALS." Ever since then, he has had an irrational fear of the underwater unicorns. Switzerland asked him if they had, in fact, been shrooms. He refused to reply, fearing his reputation was at risk, so Switzo went back to listening to some Vocaloid crap. Poor Switzerland was having a bit of an emotional crisis. He longed for the days where he did naught but sit around in the mountains wearing a dress and eating cheese, but now he had other things to worry about, such as his little sister and her raaabu, Alfred. But Megurine Luka was actually quite entertaining, and she took his sorrows away. He spontaneously fell in love with her and ergo was in love with Japan for creating her.

Japan, very happy with this turn of events, grabbed Switzerland and snogged his face off, while Lili jumped up and down yelling "GET IN THERE MY SON!" and all sorts of things of that nature. Roderich sighed, thinking about what he'd planned to do on what had been such a perfectly ordinary day. He blamed Ludwig for all this. Just as he was thinking about him, Ludwig turned up, completely naked, tossed Roderich over his shoulder and ran away screaming "ALL I WANTED WAS YOUR LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE."

Roderich screamed and cried and kicked and threw potatoes but Ludwig was stronger than him from many years of practise and annexing smaller countries. Once they had reached the tepee, Ludwig threw Feliciano out on his arse which caused him to cry profusely and run away to find his brother. Little did Feli know that big brother Lovi was currently preoccupied with Antonio's turtles, the same Arabic whale as before, and Feliks's rather raunchy Santa dress. Lovino suddenly had a vision of a crazy person telling him that everything he ever made must be turtles. He cried all night. Meanwhile, Ludwig and Roderich were getting further and further away from normality by fucking harder than anyone else in this whole thing. However, Jack Black suddenly appeared and sang Fuck Her Gently at them. Ludwig told him to go away because he enjoyed fucking hard, so screw you.

Roderich, amongst all this panic and confusion, wasn't sure whether he was supposed to be flattered by the attention or to be upset because his backside was really quite sore now. Suddenly, Ozzy Osbourne came out of nowhere and stole his bacon, prompting him to jump up from where Ludwig was currently fucking him on top of Francis's house (much to the Frenchman's delight) and ran, screaming, after Ozzy. Then he woke up; it was all a dream, and he had just passed out from fucking Ludwig very hard.

Suddenly, the teacher from his school came along and yelled, "THAT'S MY BACON. GIVE IT BACK." Roderich laughed humourlessly and fell off Francis's house, much to Francis's delight - he was very happy to have a naked Roderich falling at his feet holding some bacon. Ludwig pounced and said, "I thought it was a dream. How do you have bacon?" Roderich shrugged and threw the bacon at him. Ludwig, it turned out, had a violent bacon allergy and spontaneously combusted on the spot. His ashes were pink and sparkly. Berwald immediately came to dance in them. Then, suddenly, because everything in this thing happens very suddenly, Belarus exploded into the room and exclaimed, "I AM LADY GAGA." She then proceeded to dress up in a ridiculous outfit and sing 'Paparazzi'.

Sweden gave her a lap dance because he is in love with Lady Gaga, and he was exceedingly drunk. If he had been sober, he simply would have raped her shoulder pads. Arthur, smelling alcohol, took one sip and was instantly drunk. He joined in with the lap dance, fell over, and stayed on the floor. Belarus/Lady Gaga took a picture of him and screamed, "HE'S LIKE PLAYING THE LYING DOWN GAME, DA." Russia, while on holiday thousands of miles away from this incident, shuddered, feeling a disturbance in the force.

Countries from all over travelled to watch Arthur playing the lying down game. He was, in fact, having a brain haemorrhage, not playing the lying down game, but it's the thought that counts. Meanwhile, Raivis, Eduard and Toris had invited Roderich around to their house to snort nutmeg, watch Twilight, burn incense and order pizza. They also made a roll-up from tracing paper, TCP, cinnamon, Rice Crispies and various other things and called it The Dog Shit. It was so awful that Eduard's head fell off.

The others, all being too high to do anything but laugh, all fell down. "ALL FALL DOWN!!" screamed Roddy. The world exploded at the awesomeness of this comment and everybody DIED.  
FIN.

...Or was it flipper?

* * *

HATE ME IT'S DONE.


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